I am a father and son

I am a dad. I take my kids to school every morning, head directly to work, and at the end of each day go home to my kids who are waiting to hear the garage door open announcing my arrival. ( On a side note, the truth is I am much more excited to see them than they are to see me.) And we have a great time. We play, wrestle, tickle, fart (it’s how boys bond), chase, laugh, cry (when there is an accident which regularly happens), hide as I chase them playing my son’s acoustic guitar, run, play board games, battle on our Wii and do all of the things that make great memories between a father and his sons.

And I love my kids more than life itself. You have to know that above everything. There is nothing I would not do for my boys. Seriously. I love being a dad. Selfishly speaking, there has not ever been a better feeling in the world for me. Honestly. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying here. Love for your spouse not the same feeling of wonder, amazement and hope you have for your children at all. Those of you with children understand this. And that is not even my point here. Where I am going with this is to say that there is something that changes on the inside of you when you have kids of your own. And trying to verbally explain this is like trying to describe the Grand Canyon. It’s impossible to do unless you experience it for yourself.

Yet in all of our fun and frivolity, I have overwhelming pangs and questions that constantly nag at me as a father: 1) my dad was rarely present when I was growing up. Why did he not do more of these things with me? 2) What part of that past is going to screw up my boys’ future by repeating some of the same stupid mistakes? 3) Do I overcompensate for an absent father at the expense of my other relationships? 4) Why do I have constant feelings of guilt and failure for my kids no matter what I do? 5) What is it about being a dad that seems to bring out the best and the worst of who I am?

I don’t have the answers to these questions – or anything else for that matter. Maybe it’s more about being aware of the questions so you are paying more attention when the answers come. I don’t know. What I do know is that I love my family – and I take them for granted way too often. I have got to do something about that - today. I think I’ll go organize a rousing game of “Whack-A-Mole” and share some laughs with my kids…